I am starting this to share my story of my battle with addiction. With hopes to reach people and shed light on “life after getting clean”. I also hope to help myself. I have had a little over three years of sobriety. I still deal with the aftermath of my self-inflicted disaster. 

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It’s days like today that makes recovery really hard…

No matter how far into your recovery you are, there could always be something to turn a good day into a moment of weakness. The last couple weeks for me have been very hard. I have tried and tried to remain positive about everything that is going on with my health. I have been dealing with symptoms off and on since April of this year. I feel like every time  I get an answer, they want more tests. I met with my neurologist today and I’m more scared now than I have ever been. 

 She ordered a new MRI on my spine because I am refusing the lumbar puncture as long as I can. Within the last month I have been in the ER three times. I’ve had two CT Scans, an MRI, and placed on seizure medication. I had a flare up last week that left me in a wheelchair until I was given prednisone. I am exhausted and it only seems like it’s the start of a frustrating journey. I am doing my very best to push thru this bullshit and tell myself that I didn’t cause this myself. I am fearing the worst right now. I don’t like not knowing what the outcome of a situation is going to be. I am a planner. When things aren’t planned, my anxiety is crippling in itself. 

 It is one thing on top of another, and I don’t know how much more weight I can carry. I want to go back to work. I want to take a walk and not worry if my legs are going to get weak and give out on me. I want to live in a regular fuckin house with my boyfriend, my kids, and a cat. I’m tired of budgeting down to the very last penny every single week. I sit here and think about the shitty people that have done really shitty things and life is thrown at them on a silver fuckin platter. They have no clue what it’s like to work for anything. No clue what it’s really like to struggle. Yet, the people who go above and beyond and try to have a good heart usually suffer. I need my break. I really do. I have known some pretty heartless people in my life. No health issues, no financial issues. They’re good. 

 I feel like right now I only have a few options. I can sit in pain, and wait for my disability. I could look into pain management and try and go back to work. Just when I think I may have a plan, something else happens and I’m right back at square one. I have no intentions on using what so ever. Right now, I am at a crossroad and really just need support. I am in a city where I don’t how to get around by myself. I am in a city with a handful of family members who have full time jobs. They can’t base thier life around my needs. I didn’t come from money, but I’m starting to feel like if I did. This would be a lot easier. 

 No matter how far I’ve come in my recovery I still have really shitty days. Today is one of those days, and I’m not sure how to handle what I’m going thru. I am mentally and physically drained today and I’m hoping that I can shake this off. It’s days like today where I regret every stupid choice I’ve ever made in my life. It’s days like today where I wish I would have lived up to my potential. It’s days like today that makes recovery really fuckin hard. 

 

I’ve actually got feelings!

I’m not sure if I have trained myself to feel numb so that I don’t have to feel or if I’ve done entirely way too much damage to my brain. This morning I woke up and felt a feeling I haven’t felt in years. The feeling you get when you have just cleaned your entire house and everything is perfectly in place. Most women I think can only understand this feeling. I like to think it was a slight feeling of joy, or excitement. I know a feeling of excitement from a clean place sounds ridiculous to most. When you have only felt anger or you’re completely numb for so long, it’s nice to feel it every once in a while. 

 Last night my boyfriend and I laid in bed. I shared a video with him that brought me to tears. Literally. This couple had been married for seventy years. I don’t know what it’s like to spend my life with someone like that nor do I know what it’s like to feel that absolutely in love with someone, but I want to. I let him know with tears in my eyes, “That’s what I want”! “What if we build a life together, and it all gets taken away”? He says back, “But if your scared, we won’t ever get to a place to have that”. It hit me. I am feeling again. I am growing. I have pushed so many people away for stupid reasons. I am so afraid of stability excuse I’ve never had it for a long period of time.

 Who cares if I do build a life and something happens? What if it’s good and not bad? I’ve lost home after car after possessions after family members after friends. I’m still here and I’m doing a damn good job at life! It’s okay to fear change but not to the point where you have cut the entire world off and you can’t function with out routine. It’s okay to get your heartbroken because it only hurts for a little while. It’s okay that you may go thru hardships with your partner. This is what makes my life so beautiful. I have been thru disaster after disaster and I’m still standing, STRONG!

Yesterday, I made a couple goals. I was smoking more than a pack a day of cigarettes. I decided to just try and smoke fifteen for the entire day, I only smoked fourteen! I also decided I was going to do something nice for my boyfriend. He ended taking me to PetSmart so I could check out the Cats. We went to Wal-Mart to get a snack and I let him choose and I agreed on the first suggestion.  I like to think I run things in my house. We went out, walked around to different stores, laughed, and held hands. It was beautiful and we both needed a day like that! 

A messed up routine and a few new goals

It’s a little difficult to get started this morning. My morning routine is taking a detour this morning. I stayed at my sister’s house last because I haven’t been feeling the best and I just need to get some kind of “Me” time. It was nice and peaceful. It usually takes about three cups of coffee and five cigarettes to get my day started. I decided that I was going to switch it up a little and this isn’t by choice. So, hot tea and one cigarette will have to do the trick this morning! 

 I realised lately in writing my blog, I have put all my feelings into my writing and I’m not putting the same effort into some of my relationships in life. One of my issues is as much as I love my boyfriend, I keep him at a distance. It’s like I’m waiting for him to just walk out or do something that would mess this relationship up. It’s not always in the things he says or does that makes me feel this way. He really does try and I’m just a complicated bi polar mess this year.

 I said when I started this, I was going to help myself. I felt like I have. I have lived a miserable mess inside my head for the last thirty three years and I thought maybe if I set a small goal for myself everyday. It could help. Today, I’m cutting back cigarettes. No joke. It’s getting to the point where I’m smoking more than a pack a day and my body and mind is paying the price. My goal for today is fifteen and I’ve already smoked one. 

 I also thought it would be good for my relationship right now if I do let go a little bit. I’m going to try to do one nice thing a day for him. I know this should all come natural but I didn’t exactly have the best role models when It comes to relationships. Both parents have been married and divorced three times. I don’t want that. Obviously, he is feeling like he isn’t getting what he needs at the moment. I need to reassure him just as much as I need reassurance. I am always so scared to get close to people. I’ve had less than a handful of people who hasn’t taken my kindness for a weakness. What if I put all this effort into building stability and happiness and something bad happens. Disappointments are getting harder and harder for me to deal with. Whatever the case, in order for me to find out I have to take a chance. 

 I have also decided that it’s time to try and get my mental illness under control. I’m used to my depressive states and although I dont like them I can deal. I notice usually when seasons change my manic state sets in. No sleep, jittery, talking fast, and just a ball of not good emotions. I hate that people like to say I’m crazy. I’ve seen a lot of shit and I’ve done a lot of shit. It would have made the sainest person feel like a nut. I want to get a hold of it now. In order for me to have healthy relationships in my life I have to be willing to put in effort just as much as I expect from someone else. I’m not admitting defeat. Im making changes for myself and the people I love most. 

Parenting as an addict…

Its one of the touchy subjects and I’m going for it. In my mood I don’t care who stops following or reading. I just need to get my opinion out about the situation. I get tired of people who one. Don’t have children but yet continue to judge others on thier parenting choices. Two. Feel as though because parents were or are addicts they aren’t good parents. I hid my drug addiction for a very long time. I never overdosed on front of my daughter. I tried to be there as much as I could when I had my drug addiction under control. 

 Yes, I know there are million of women out there who want babies and simply can not have them. There are also some really evil people who do really evil things where drugs are not evolved. There has been a story surfacing about two girls overdosing with thier babies in the backseat. Let me tell you from experience that the guilt these women will have to live with is punishment. I still kick myself in the ass because one day I just wasn’t feeling well and instead of getting up to make food I gave my daughter a snickers. It doesn’t seem that bad. We as parents are exhausted already with life. Adding drugs to it is disastrous to say the least. I should have got up and made her real food that day. I should have done this and that. I didn’t and it’s something that eats at me and not anyone else on a daily basis. My daughter watched her father overdose at the age of two. He was blue and she was screaming. Today, she lives with him in a nice house and he is clean. He changed. He can’t take back what he did but I believe he does what he thinks is right now to make sure she has a good life. 

The smart choice would be sign the baby over to someone until you are able and willing to care for that child. Let me just remind you everyone, that when you’re getting fuckin high. There are no smart choices. I can’t stress enough that a person on drugs is not the same person sober. I would have never done a quarter of the things I did if not for drugs. The two girls that overdosed had babies in infant car seats. There’s time and people change. I don’t agree that these children should be in thier custody until they have maintained a good length of sobriety. Why should someone else get to raise thier children because of one mistake in thier life. Rapists who impregnate thier victims have rights to those children. The people who talk down in these women are the same people who wouldn’t have cared and still sold to these women WITH THE CHILDREN IN THE BACK SEAT! You’ve changed! Congratulations, you no longer sell drugs and you have a nine to five. It’s because of judgemental people that girls like this don’t get help. “What’s the point”? That’s exactly what they will think for the rest of their lives thinking of that very moment when they overdosed in that vehicle. There are so many fucked up positions you can put a child thru. You can speak ill of thier absent parent. You can alienate them from the other parent. You can sit at a bar every weekend while your parents parent your child. You can emotionally or physically abuse your child. You can spend all the child support you get on yourself instead of buying anything new for the child. It’s all going to fuck up a child’s emotional state. Quit contributing to the problem and start helping with a solution. When you stopped selling drugs ten more people started. Don’t sit back and judge because you no longer sell drugs. You were once the problem and you didn’t care about those people’s children then. 

 No child should be in any kind of situation where their lives are at stake. No matter what the case is. Just the words though I hear are really harsh and mean. A child didn’t ask to come into this world. Again, I’m hoping that all nessacary measurements were taken and all parties are safe now. Have a little compassion. People get clean everyday and go on to have normal healthy lives with the children they brought into this world. No matter if you spend your weekends in the bar or you spend your days riding around coping dope, either way your child is the one missing out. 

There’s the rule and there’s an exception…

Let’s talk relationships! I am not any kind of therapists but I’ve been in enough bad ones to know a good one. It often becomes an addiction in itself when you are in an abusive or toxic relationship. You become more codependent of your significant other than you do an actual drug. The fights become more frequent and trust is non existent. All of my relationships have been with addicts except the last two. The one I’m in now is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Although I depend on him for a lot, drugs is definitely not one of the things he offers. 

 Looking back, I think maybe the men I dated kept me high either to keep me from bitching  that they were high or keep me from realising how incredibly stupid I was being. You have a rule and there is an exception. With a lot of hard work anything is possible. I was not fortunate enough to be an exception when it came to relationships and drugs. You have to be a pretty strong person to already be in a trusting, committed, healthy relationship with out drugs. When you add drugs to the equation all morals and feelings go out the window. You care about one thing. You care about getting high. 

 You don’t care that you are going behind the back of the person you claim to love and spending thier electric bill money to get high. You don’t care about the family you once made and was exactly what you were yearning for. The abuse, the name calling, the stress from one day to the next just so you two can be “normal” towards each other. There tends to be so much damage done that when you do get clean it’s harder to let go of the past than it is to carry on with the future. My boyfriend likes to think that my previous relationships may have gotten the best I’ve got to offer when it comes to relationships. I simply reassure him this isn’t the case. It could be because I had spent almost half my life with one person. I had our one and only daughter to this man. He may have received a child out of the hot teenage mess we created but he didn’t get the best of me. 

  My ex husband and I lived a normal life for a split second before we got a divorce. We both got on suboxone. We bought a house. At one time we had five vehicles in our driveway in a nice quiet neighborhood in the middle of the mountains. My daughter was a cheerleader. I worked selling fence for a company my ex installed the fence for. My ex husband had still not dealt with previous charges and parole violations from when we were getting high. I never not once loved this man for creating chaos. I looked up to him and admired him because I thought if we could get clean together and make it than so could the rest of the world. Things happen for a reason. For some apparent reason we had just had the most amazing weekend at a concert and it was Sunday evening. I think he may have went to fill his work truck with gas or something. He was pulled over on the way home. He had previous warrants for his arrest and he knew all of it would have to surface sooner or later. That was the last weekend I spent with him as his wife. 

  I think when he left that night, that night took a piece of me that I will never get back. It shattered the family I had been waiting patiently to have for so many years. It crushed a ten year olds heart that never had anything but respect for her daddy. It left me alone and vulnerable. I think it’s probably safe to say something died in me that day and I’ve been searching for that happiness since. I love the man I am with today. My ex is re married to a woman who takes care of him and my daughter. I am thankful for the divorce because like I said, there was just way too much damage done to fix things. I’m sure if we had put in a little more effort, the relationship could have worked but it wasn’t in God’s plan. When my ex husband had left for jail that night he was the only one getting the prescription for suboxone at the time. I took a small amount in the morning from his and that’s what got me thru the day. It took months afterwards of getting high and sick to get into a doctor to get my own. I didn’t have time to wait. I got high. In the blink of an eye I lost my house, my cars, all my belongings, my husband, my daughter, and any self worth I had left at that moment which wasn’t much. People were angry and I don’t blame them one bit. See, it wasn’t only my ex husband and I fighting to save each other. It was also the huge support system that surrounds only him now that cheered us on to do better. 

  My Ex husband and I are the rule. Two people so crazy in love at a young age doing drugs constantly just can not remain together and move forward to have a healthy, happy relationship. I was not spending my life accusing him every time he looked high or money went missing out of our bank account. It would always be in the back of his head what I did to him and he would never respect me the same after that. I like not having to question the relationship I’m in now. I like only flipping shit because he accidently stepped on the bath mat with his work shoes on and not because he just spent five hundred on crack. The only thing that made my Ex husband and I am an exception was that we even made it out of that crazy lifestyle with our lives. My boyfriend doesn’t understand that he gets the best of me. He gets the hard work and effort. He gets what trust I can give. He gets the honest me. No one man in my life ever received those traits from me. 

  When you choose to get clean, you choose to completely walk away from an old life to start a new one. You get a fresh start. You can not go back to familiar things that made that life so glamorous and still remain clean at the same time. I chose to move five hundred miles away where I knew no one. I had no other choice besides death. My ex husband chose to stay in the town we are from and I believe is working hard to stay clean. Looking back, even if we did try and stay together. It would have been a never ending vicious cycle and neither one of us would have made it out. 

Seventeen hours…

Seventeen hours! That’s the amount of sleep I just received. Judging by how much better I feel, I needed every second. I had a flare up last week and have been feeling okay since I started the oral steroids. Yesterday I woke up and just couldnt even find the strength to get out of bed. Usually, we get his children on Sunday evenings and that cheers me up. When he came home from work last night even he could tell that the sweet faces of our five and seven year old wouldn’t be enough at that moment to help. I am still a little swollen in my face, fingers, and toes. I am always wanting to push myself when I feel good because I never know when I feel good next. Responsibility after responsibility is placed on my boyfriend with no complaints. I love that he gets up and will tackle a household but boy do I hate the guilt when it sets in. I was a little snappy at him also last night. I will be glad when I no longer have to take this pill at this time and that pill at that time. It gets to be too much. I don’t think any other man is strong enough to be in his shoes and I thank God that he brought him to me when he did! Today, I’m going to remain in bed again and rest a little more. My boyfriend has off and there are no kids present. We don’t get this time very often. If he isn’t working, we have kids. If the kids aren’t here and he isn’t working, he is sleeping or taking care of stuff I’m not able to get to. I get an excited feeling. It’s Monday, and we have nothing to do but lay in bed! Hopefully, I can talk him into going to get my cat so I don’t have to go buy it while he is at work!  Yesterday just didn’t seem like it was going to be a good one, so the seventeen hour decision of sleep was a must! The old weak version of myself would have used in a heartbeat to feel better. I’m happy that at a point in my life I can push thru all the bullshit and have a good attitude about one more road block in my life. I think knowing that something is right outside my door that can make me feel better and I choose to let it run its course is a miracle. Self control has never been one of my good traits. It could just be that I’m growing. It could just be that knowing if I get high, the MS is still here. There’s no need for a set back when I have come so far. 

Rebuilding after destruction…

Good Morning! I am trying to push myself today and as usual I am not gaining the lead in this race! I should be getting up and getting ready for church but I’m not doing that either. The oral steroids have me eating everything I can possibly get my hands on and I can’t get enough to drink. I feel like I look like a balloon that is about to burst any minute now. I have remained positive as much as possible. I think I just don’t know when to slow down. I am telling myself, “If you feel good, do it”! Not realising I’m still not one hundred percent. 

 Last night, I had a very good friend message me about somethings she is going thru. My heart hurts for her and her children. I started contemplating whether or not I could really do this. Build relationships with people, help them find help, or just be an understanding friend. It’s hard when these people are close to you. You want so bad to hug them and take every ounce of pain away from them. You know every emotion and every fear they are having. I’m going to just continue to be there the best way possible. I’m praying for her and her family though. These are the moments that are critical in recovery. When everyone has turned thier their back on you because of disappointment, it’s honestly you against the world. 

 Early recovery was very difficult for me. I had so many chemicals doing so many different things in my brain. I don’t think my brain had anything more natural to produce on its own. It takes time (a lot of time) for things to even begin to get on the right track again. I think the worse thing a family member or someone close can do is remind the addict of what they’ve done wrong. We know what we did. After it’s done, it’s no longer nesaccary to bring it up or use it against someone. They also don’t need any enabling. Yes, we know how to bull shit also. At the beginning stages, we are still thinking about getting high. We might not want to but we think about it more often than not. It doesn’t matter the drug of choice, how you used, or what you did. What matters is right now you’re clean and alive. As much as it sounds harsh, you may just have to distance yourself until they have a different outlook on things. It’s very hard to get a person to believe an addict is clean. Every moodswing, cry, or outburst is considered a relapse. Don’t let that discourage you. You are allowed to feel weak, angry, saddness, and guilt. Don’t let that be all yoy feel though. Feel positive and happy that you aren’t locked up or dead. You made the right choice by getting clean. Now, you just have to face your demons and fight it with all your might. It’s not over and it may even get harder. Once you start getting a game plan together of what you need to do, it gets easier as each day passes. There is no right way to get clean. There is no right way to be a supportive person. Addicts aren’t always forth coming with the way things make them feel. We have already done so much damage to everyone in our lives we sometimes feel like a burden if they have to deal with the aftermath also. It takes a strong support system. It takes understanding. It also takes stepping out of a comfort zone and expressing yourself. No one knows what you need if you’re not saying anything. Everyone likes to think we are weak because we made the choice to use in the first place. We were never weak. As I said before, this kind of life isn’t for the weak. We are just broken, trying to piece together what little bit of life we have left. Addicts walk around with some pretty heavy burdens. Childhood scars, addictive parents, too spoiled or not enough attention. There are so many reasons why a person may start and continue to use. Just take one step at a time. One problem at a time. One day at a time. 

 Find a good support system. Family, church, friends, NA/AA. Whatever is working. It’s almost a trial and error type thing. Not everything works the same for everyone. Just don’t give up on the first thing that isn’t helping. There are so many resources out there to help. No matter how alone you feel right now, just don’t give up! 

A few Detox/Early Recovery tips that worked for me

 The fact that I had a huge day and I barely did anything makes me feel extremely lazy. Today, I only had plans to go pick up a prescription and make a stop at PetSmart to look at the adoptable cats! It’s far from the wild Saturday’s that I used to indulge in, but I ended up at my old job babysitting an old co worker’s baby so she could finish her shift!  I thought it would be helpful to share some of the things that helped pick me up when I was feeling blah about life… Here’s a few! 

*Detox/Early Recovery

  *SLEEP! You probably just put your body thru some tiring times. Your body and your mind need this time to heal so rest up! It may seem hard but Melatonin helps or some Benadryl!

  *No matter how much you don’t want to… Stay hydrated and try and eat! 

  *Hot baths! They work wonders when your body hurts. 

   *MUSIC, MUSIC, MUSIC… Best free therapy in the world!

  *Write letters (Even if they never get sent or read) to the people you have hurt and to the people you feel hurt you. Your feelings are out. 

  *Make a list of short term goals and long term goals. Don’t tackle them all at once because then you go into overload and you eventually lose sight of any goal at all! 

  *STAY BUSY! Get a job, find a hobbie, exercise… Anything at all to keep your mind from wondering back into self destructuon!

I know in the beginning it can seem impossible to spot the light at the end of the tunnel but I promise it’s there! When your entire world has turned upside down, it’s rock bottom. Personally, rock bottom is what saved my life. When I get mad or someone doubts me, I am quick to get stubborn and show everyone around me that I can do this. I’m doing this! I went from being homeless, with a duffle bag, on a bus to rebuilding my life in two years, just to lose it all over again because of health issues in the last year. I didn’t let that stop me. Believe me, there were days where getting high at that moment would have been so much easier than to deal with what I was going thru. I got thru it though… SOBER!! 

A few Detox/Early Recovery tips that worked for me

 The fact that I had a huge day and I barely did anything makes me feel extremely lazy. Today, I only had plans to go pick up a prescription and make a stop at PetSmart to look at the adoptable cats! It’s far from the wild Saturday’s that I used to indulge in, but I ended up at my old job babysitting an old co worker’s baby so she could finish her shift!  I thought it would be helpful to share some of the things that helped pick me up when I was feeling blah about life… Here’s a few! 

*Detox/Early Recovery

  *SLEEP! You probably just put your body thru some tiring times. Your body and your mind need this time to heal so rest up! It may seem hard but Melatonin helps or some Benadryl!

  *No matter how much you don’t want to… Stay hydrated and try and eat! 

  *Hot baths! They work wonders when your body hurts. 

   *MUSIC, MUSIC, MUSIC… Best free therapy in the world!

  *Write letters (Even if they never get sent or read) to the people you have hurt and to the people you feel hurt you. Your feelings are out. 

  *Make a list of short term goals and long term goals. Don’t tackle them all at once because then you go into overload and you eventually lose sight of any goal at all! 

  *STAY BUSY! Get a job, find a hobbie, exercise… Anything at all to keep your mind from wondering back into self destructuon!

I know in the beginning it can seem impossible to spot the light at the end of the tunnel but I promise it’s there! When your entire world has turned upside down, it’s rock bottom. Personally, rock bottom is what saved my life. When I get mad or someone doubts me, I am quick to get stubborn and show everyone around me that I can do this. I’m doing this! I went from being homeless, with a duffle bag, on a bus to rebuilding my life in two years, just to lose it all over again because of health issues in the last year. I didn’t let that stop me. Believe me, there were days where getting high at that moment would have been so much easier than to deal with what I was going thru. I got thru it though… SOBER!! 

I know what I want to say, I just don’t know how to say it… 

I think I may have writers block this morning. Usually when I wake up I start my coffee, light a cigarette, and write about whatever I may be feeling at that moment. I’ve been up since 5:30 a.m. I’ve had three cups of coffee and I still got nothing! Today, I’m just winging it. I will probably be all over the place but what the heck! 

  First, allow me to give you an update on my health. I was placed on a low dosage of oral steroids because I had an ms flare up and was unable to move any part of the right side of my body. They seem to be working wonders! I’m able to walk and shower on my own in just a little bit of time. It’s a major accomplishment if you had witnessed my episode on Wednesday morning. I meet with my neurologists on Thursday and hopefully I can get everything under control so I’m able to get back to my life. There were comments made that I may have had a “slip up” and that’s why I left work. My first thought was to take a picture of my drug test and upload the results so that I could show people that this wasn’t the case. I thought about it and had to tell myself, regardless of what I say or post there will always be someone trying to knock me down for doing good or just doing my own thing. It’s no one’s business and if they cared they would have stepped in and asked me themselves. I didn’t have a “slip up”. I got sick and it was out of my control. 

  Honestly, it’s not anyone’s business but mine. For anyone that is curious, my drug tests are all negative except for thc which I’ve always been open and honest about. I didn’t replace one drug with another. In fact I was never really a smoker. I knew that when I got clean, I didn’t want to be put on medications for any mental illness. I don’t like the way the medications make me feel. There are some days when no matter how hard I try to tell my brain to cooperate it just doesn’t work that way. I smoke because it helps the unbearable anxiety I get, the pain I experience, and it is so much healthier on my body than what a doctor wants to shove down my throat. 

  Second, I would like to announce that I enrolled in school yesterday. I just need to get my financial aide taken care of and I’m ready! I’m feeling really good about this. I have decided to wait until January to start so that I’m not putting extra stress on myself around the holidays. Let’s face it, they are hard enough with kids, finances, and family. I will be going for my bachelor’s degree in psychology. I’ve decided to go this route because it will help me understand better how to help a person. I believe as of right now I help people but I’m not sure if it’s the right way. I guess if you’re helping there isn’t a right way! 

  Third, I want to just say Thank you to everyone who has been supportive of my blog and what I’m trying to do. I have a lot of support from people back home. They have also known me since middle school and watched my down fall and my come up. They have seen me fall and get up, dust myself off and go at it again. The people I met along my journey in Kentucky hasn’t  been so pleasant. I have acquaintances here, but no anyone that I’m super close to. I blame myself just as much because I’m a very hard person to get to know. Before I started the blog, I told you what I wanted you to know. I didn’t put my entire life on blast in a blog for the world to read. It’s very hard for me trust people and find thier motives to be genuine. I suffer from bipolar so my moods are all over the place. Before I started writing, I was seriously at the point of wanting to commit myself. I found joy in NOTHING! I isolated myself for weeks. I wouldn’t answer messages, phone calls, or even speak to my boyfriend whom I live with. I wouldn’t get out of bed for days and I just hated life. Since I’ve started writing, I am trying to be more open about my feelings and I’m trying to look at the positive in things. I have been off work for about two months now. I worked at the same restaurant for most of my time living in Kentucky. I met some good people and I have met some not good people. It almost detoured me away from wanting to make new friends here altogether. It’s very hard to meet good people in the restaurant business sometimes because they use, they are out to benefit themselves, or people are just hellarude! I’ve always been open about my substance abuse. People took that and they held that over my head if I was moody or dealing with something. My boyfriend is still employed at that restaurant and we have the same mutual friends on Facebook. If I have to go there, I see them. They all take time out of their lives to stop and ask him how I am doing but refuse to take thirty seconds out of their lives to send me a message personally. Maybe I’m being petty, maybe not. I heard a lot of comments when I worked there that I was losing too much weight. I take offense to that. I can honestly see why people get upset when someone has something to say about how skinny a person is. Well let me get personal. When I stress, I don’t eat. When I stress I literally spend most of my day in the bathroom because anything I try to eat just doesn’t stay in my system. I have always been petite. I was 122 pounds two months ago. I am now 135. I have been trying to reduce my stress and anxiety so I’ve had more of an appetite. When I moved here, I had a very tough girl attitude. I still have it but I’m learning to soften up. I would just like to apologize if I was mean, bitchy, or just checked out when you tried to befriend me. My life and feelings are a wild roller coaster ride that feels never-ending. I also don’t do fake. If I say something to someone else, I will say it to you. It’s not what I say it’s how I say things. Most people don’t like to hear the truth. They want you to tell them what they want to hear in the softest way possible and that’s just not me. There are two things I hate. Stupid people and lazy people, unfortunately the world is filled with those type people. If I’m doing the same job as you but working twice as hard I’m going to have an issue. Anyone would, right? I am the asshole because I tell the people. I’m rambling, let me get back to where I was going with this. If you have tried to befriend me and I just wasn’t having it, don’t give up! Reach out! I’m sorry if I was bitch to you. I’m more than willing to except responsibility in my failed friendships. Like I said, it’s been a hard year. I’m dealing with all of it the best way I can now. If you are adding something positive to my life I’m all for it but if it’s negativity that you bring I just can’t be apart of it. I also judge a person on how they treat others. If you are talking to me about someone else, nine times out of ten you’re talking with that person about me. I’ve decided just to give everyone a fresh start. I can form friendships and maintain safe boundaries. 

  It has been two and half hours and I’m still not satisfied with today’s blog. I know what I  want to say I just don’t know if I’m saying it correctly. However, my point of my rambling this morning is I am trying my hardest to be a better person. It’s very hard to let go of trust issues I’ve held onto  for twenty-five years or so but I’m willing! I would love to hear back from some of my Kentucky friends and reconnect. I have no harsh words or thoughts about anyone I’ve met along the way. I just want some positive friends in my life that are real. I don’t get to visit my hometown as much as I would like so it helps to have people here to fulfill what I’m missing from home. As of right now, I have no complaints in my life. No matter how hard it gets, it will never be as bad as it was when I was using. Hope everyone has a great Saturday! It only took me three hours to get this accomplished this morning!